Premonition?
In
1986, I became aware of the relentless tick, tick, ticking of my biological
clock. At 29, my then, partner and I decided we should tie the knot and set
about making a baby. We were ecstatic, when just three months later, I was
pregnant. I had all the usual worries that occur to all mothers to be, praying
the baby was born well and healthy.
As
the pregnancy progressed, I became increasingly worried and anxious about the
child. I had no evidence on which to base these concerns as I was very well and
everything was proceeding as expected.
By
the time I was eight months along, I had gained the body weight of a small
horse and my dreams started to be invaded by darkness and fear. I couldn't
explain it. All I knew was that I was terrified that my baby was going to die.
I knew these were unreasonable thoughts. I also knew, as an overachiever, I was
worrying myself to a frazzle over nothing more than fear and my constant
companion—dread.
My
son was born after a long labour. He was beautiful, healthy and...did I mention
beautiful? I on the other hand, became a she-bear. I wouldn't let him out of my
sight. He slept with us and was always in the same room as us, so I could see
him and hear him. My sense of fear for his wellbeing escalated. I became
obsessed with checking on him. Twenty times a night, I would lay my hand on his
chest to make sure he was breathing. I lived in absolute, unreasonable fear of
losing him.
When
he was just four months old, I was working a casual shift in Neonatal Intensive
Care, when I received a phone call at work. It was my husband.
My
blood ran cold.
In
the background, all I could hear was the sound of a gasping child. My husband
was frantic. He said our son was very hot and that he kept going stiff and then
floppy and that he wouldn't wake up.
I
don't remember the hour drive home. I flew into the house and all of my worst
fears came crashing down on me. My son was fitting continually and he was
unconscious. Every bit of training as an
RN and a Midwife left me. I walked around the house, holding my son, telling
him not to die, pleading with him, not to leave us.
Sometime
after this, common sense kicked in and we called an ambulance. A paediatrician
friend was at the hospital waiting for us. After he assessed our son, he came
out and put his arm around me and told me that my little boy had suffered a
massive cerebral haemorrhage (stroke), was completely paralysed down the left
side and that he was going to die.
My
son was transferred to a big city hospital paediatric intensive care unit. The
overwhelming fear that I had lived with for so many months, paradoxically had
left me. I knew in my heart that the threat to him had passed and that with our
love, he would survive.
It took a very long time with exercise,
stimulation and absolute determination to achieve not only his survival, but
his continued improvement. I still wouldn't let him out of my sight. I would
still wake up twenty times a night to make sure he was still breathing. He was
7 years of age before he slept through the night.
It
took me a lot longer.
Trailer to Warrior Born - Book 1 of the
Katana Series.
This made me weep Kathrine. He was born to the right Mother. <3
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful and sad. I am a nurse as well and remember when my child was rushed to hospital aged three unconscious. All my training left me as well. She survived and is 26 and thinking about having her own baby.
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